I still have germs and I feel really crappy. So I can’t go be with my parents and kids today for a birthday celebration. Which is really sad because I already feel super-isolated from my loved ones.

I’m still feeling dissociative and just fucking weird. Empty. Restless. Hopeless. Depression (normal). Anxiety (normal). Hurt. Betrayed. Grief (normal). All normal actually.

I’m taking the time to be extra gentle with myself today. I’ve been writing recently about my past and it’s a lot. It’s reminded me of all the things not mentioned. Some have nothing or little to do with being trans but have deeply affected me. Highly triggering events that so many have experienced but we just don’t mention. No, we don’t talk about that. I will find the time sometime soon to tell more of my story but it’s even heavier than what I’ve already shared. And I want to honour it and be careful with it. Maybe a bit more than that recent post.

I mean. This is why I can’t hate people for fucking up. I used to. I was full of hate and anger. At others. At myself. But I’ve been on this healing journey so long I’ve naturally ended up somewhere I used to think I was supposed to make happen. You know? That yucky forgiveness and compassion thing. I thought I had to go to that directly. But actually I find myself there (somewhat, it’s a journey) because I did the work for myself.

There. A place of feeling a lot of compassion and empathy for people who fuck up, people who lash out, people who have hardened hearts, don’t understand. Even the tyrants of the world. I can’t hate them. I can’t. Sorry about that.

It doesn’t mean I’m not utterly revulsed by some of what I see. It doesn’t mean they’re part of my life, or I don’t recognise danger. I just means something else. Something new to me.

Is this growth? Or am I an enabler, an apologist, an idiot, mentally unwell?

But what about the victims?

And the people who are murdered, abused, oppressed, traumatised, rejected?

I know. Of course I know. Don’t we all? Of course they get my compassion. I am them. Of course.

This ok to say. I’m supposed to say it.

But. Apparently it’s not ok to have feelings or say words that do not match a ‘side’.

Fuck this war we are in. We are busy fighting when we are actually on the same side. It’s fucking ridiculous. We are being played.

Well I’m not doing it. I refuse. And I don’t care what anyone thinks about that. I’m just gonna walk my path. And I’m going to do my best to stay on it.

I am posting this to a new category on my blog: “HP”. RSS

HP is for posts I don’t really want to share out to socials. For various reasons.

Maybe I just don’t want it out there so much. Or I don’t particularly want any casual readers or responses this time – considered, careful responses are always welcome. (And please if you are worrying whether you are considerate, you are.) Maybe I’m experiencing social fatigue. Maybe it’s mainly just for me and it’s not so important if anyone reads it or not. Or whatever. Just not feeling it.

This post is all of the above.

Hit Publish Aeryn. You can do i