I’ve been feeling sick with worry for the last 24 hours. I signed into the benefits system yesterday morning and I realise I missed something they requested from me about 10 days ago.

So I’ve been working on this thing

– getting my housing support switched over to a new system – for a long time now. Dealing with paperwork demands and requests from different authorities.

There’s been a huge confusion with my legal name (of 14 years) too. Completely at their end. It seems to have made things a whole lot worse.

The demands always come with deadlines, and a statement saying they will assume I no longer want to make a claim if they don’t hear from me.

The deadlines are always tight considering the postal system.

And it takes me a long time to process what I need to do and actually do it. Lots of fear, anxiety, and confusion.

I dunno. It’s just been massively stressful. And I thought I had satisfied all the requirements. They actually said I had.

But now it looks like I have to have a medical assessment. But I have to complete another thing before that might happen.

I used to have people who would help me with these kinds of things. But all that went away in 2020.

Back then, funding got pulled from everything. And in 2022 and 2023 people were wondering why I (and so many like me I expect) were still in some kind of lockdown and hadn’t got back out into the world again.

In the past, medical assessments have led directly to me losing support. That’s happened at least twice.

It’s very complex. And I have masking issues. People often assume I’m just fine despite what I’m verbalising. They assume I’m lying. But I’m masking. Or I’m having an Up day, and maybe I’m expected to hide that or something?

I feel a lot of shame about receiving support. And I don’t know what to do about it.

I would rather be more self-supportive but I feel trapped in a rollercoaster car. If I get out at any point I’ll be left stranded. Left behind.

I’ve dreamed of running my own business of some kind. Being creative. Helping people. I know I can’t be employed.

I’m not work shy. I’m just disabled. I want to contribute and support myself. But I would lose any job within days.

I need support. I have trouble admitting it. I have great shame around it. I’ve engaged unhealthy self-improvement spiritual teachings that have programmed me to deny support. To deny labels. To deny my humanity.

I’ve tried to heal. And I have come a long way. But it hasn’t changed the way I am. It never did. I’ve always just had to come back to accepting my limitations. Accepting that I’m disabled. Accepting labels.

I don’t like it. But it’s the experience I’m having.

I want to live a happy life. But it’s been a shit show. And some days I don’t see a way through.

I’ve been back on the very edge again. I want to be better. I want to be able to face challenges like this without collapsing internally.

I’m ok. #HealingOutLoud