Content warning for mental health. Please note that I am safe and in no danger at all.

I’ve been wanting to write for a little while. But I’ve been waiting for permission, for perfection. And that’s not coming. So I just need to get on with it.

I feel like it’s so important to talk about this stuff. But there’s a real and present fear right near the surface about talking about this stuff.

That fear has always been there, and probably it’s never gonna go away.

Because I’m too worried about what other people think about me, when most likely they are not thinking about me at all.

To claim space is a daring and brave act. And it’s something I very much feel is one of my big lessons in life. To allow myself to exist in this world just as I am.

Last month I briefly talked about mental health and someone walked away from me. It doesn’t matter who it was, and I honestly feel okay about them doing it.

What’s not okay as how I beat myself up about it. How I use it as an excuse to close my mouth. It seems such a trivial thing.

But is it trivial?

Is it trivial to be sensitive? Is anything trivial?

Sometimes I wish I wasn’t sensitive. I wish I had a thick skin. “Water off a ducks back.” All that kind of stuff.

I have spent long seasons of my life pretending that I was strong, when inside I was falling apart.

So here I am getting to the point.

May was one of the hardest months I’ve had in a very long time. I fell apart again. I had a very big breakdown. And I told no one. I got through it alone.

I cycled in and out of it for weeks, experiencing the shattering, and the rebuilding. Then relief.

And then it would happen again. And again.

I’m still in it. Yesterday, the mood swung south again. In a big way.

I don’t know what to do with myself. And I think the answer is not to do anything.

I’m listening, and I have my answer.

That is all.

This blog post is not supposed to be fully formed and perfect. It’s just a personal thing that I’m sharing.

It’s me allowing myself to take up space, to exist, just as I am. No one, no thing, no state of being can take that away from me.