aeryn.micro.blog

I had a very intense dream last night. I feel like I’m honestly a little bit traumatised by it still, a few hours later.

It was so strange. Basically, I experienced a mental breakdown in my dream and all of the consequences and interventions that go along with that.

Trigger warning for abuse

This is something I’ve experienced in my real life, but I don’t think I’ve ever had a dream like this. I feel a little bit shell shocked by it because of how intense it was and how I was responding to what was happening to me.

In the dream there were authority figures who were trying to help me by staging an intervention. At the same time there were other people associated with them who were trying to harm me, in a kind of obvious way. And I felt like the authority figures weren’t protecting me from that harm that was coming from their associates.

And there also were people trying to abuse me in a kind of covert sneaky way.

And I basically couldn’t really tell the difference between these different people. It was really scary. They were trying to hurt me and I was lashing out in return. I was like a wild animal. And the longer it went on for, the worst it got.

There was this overwhelming feeling of how I was the cause of it all, and how I was bad, and that everything that I could possibly do was wrong so that there were no positive steps I could take to help myself. And that these people could not see my truth, that I was innocent. That things were spiralling out of control, and that wasn’t my fault.

Then, the authority figures were trying to get me to a safe place where they could look after me. But I couldn’t trust them. I wasn’t sure if they were really helping me or if they were trying to harm me. So I escaped.

Then I was trying to get myself to safety, to my home where I could be secure and away from all other people. And whilst I was doing this, I managed to get away from everyone and I was alone. But in a public space where there were nothing but strangers around me. And it seemed to me that everyone was just as messed up as I was. As if the whole world had gone crazy. Like a zombie apocalypse of mental health issues.

And then I forgot where I lived, and I decided it was best to try to find the people who I thought were going to help me, but I couldn’t find them either. They had disappeared.

All this time through the dream, I relive the experience of terror through to confusion and onto my mind completely shutting down and going numb.

I got to this numbness in my dream. But I was also watching the whole thing because it was a dream. Really, really strange and unpleasant.

It was a real trauma dream. Of states of mind that I’ve experienced in the past.

I don’t know what to make of it all really.

It reminds me of times in my life when I’ve gone through this, I really couldn’t tell the difference between someone trying to help me and someone tried to harm me.

And that kind of paranoid state that I slip in and out of at times. Kind of delusional confusion where I’m not sure of anyone’s intentions and I get scared that even the friendliest of people might be an enemy in disguise.

And it’s not like there’s no basis for my fear. I have experienced abuse and manipulation by authority, and support figures in my life. People who are mandated by our medical or social support systems.

It’s a seriously scary state of mind to be in. These are scary times to live through.

All I have is my internal support system. If I didn’t have it, I would be in hospital screaming into the void.

It’s taken me a long time to acknowledge that this spiritual world is real and is inside of me and that I can trust it. And that the more I trust it, the crazier the outside world seems to become.

It keeps becoming more real. I’m not new to this journey. But every day is like starting fresh.

Dreams like this seem on one hand to be maybe my brain having a little short circuit. But I think it’s actually a message.

I don’t know how to end this post. These are just my experiences and thoughts. I don’t wanna spend a whole morning polishing my words into some kind of beautiful thing that will change hearts and minds.