aeryn.micro.blog

Or,

I’m going to let my heart be broken, because what else is there?

A friend texted me out of the blue this morning to ask me how I feel about the UK ruling on trans people yesterday.

I didn’t know what to say, so I didn’t say anything about it. I just kind of deflected, more interested in connecting with someone on a personal level rather than talking about the news cycle.

Because I’m really not interested in the news cycle. I am interested in what’s going on in the world. But I don’t want to take part in the discourse, or get overly involved in other peoples opinions and fears, particularly.

It goes without saying that I’m dismayed, fearful, and confused. And I wonder how this will affect me and other trans people in the days to come. How will it affect any person, trans or not?

But. I don’t feel that I need to tell the world what I think about it. And I don’t need to discuss the rights and wrongs, goods and bads and make hypothetical judgements on what might happen.

I have no idea what will happen. And I don’t think anyone does.

What matters to me is how I am with this information. What matters is how I’m going to look after myself. What matters is how I’m going to exist regardless of what other people think about me, or legislate about me.

It’s really hard to not worry about what other people think. It’s hard to not worry about what may or may not happen to me in my life.

But all of this worrying is pretty unhelpful.

I need to know how to look after myself right now. I need to know how to survive the day.

Because my heart is breaking. Has broken.

And that’s what I need to concern myself with right now.

And it’s not that my heart is breaking since yesterday lunchtime when I heard about this. It’s already been breaking for months, and years.

Maybe my heart has been breaking my whole life.

I am one of those sensitive people who can’t help but feel so much. (Even during those long, long years when I couldn’t feel anything.)

I was educated, or taught to actively squash and deny emotions and feelings. That things were real. Events were real. Feelings, not so much. Until that emptiness became my reality.

So what am I doing about this? The latest thing?

Well two days ago, I didn’t even know this was happening. Like I said, I don’t follow the news cycle, so I had no idea.

Because it’s too much already! This news it’s just a little bit more too much. A tiny little bit in a vast ocean of too much.

A tiny little bit. But still important. Not trivial. Maybe just another tiny/huge slice of an infinite pie of worry, and concern.

My heart is already breaking, already broken. Because of where we are at. As a species, a civilisation, as a culture, a society, a community.

You know what really broke me open in the last few days? A TV show.

I’ve been watching this show called Detectorists. It’s wonderful by the way. And this morning I’ve been trying to write about what I love about this show so much. And I was unable to really explain what it meant to me. And I put that down and moved on to this.

But I think maybe it’s quite simple. Maybe it’s that the characters in the show are just so kind to each other. They are there for each other. They are not at war with each other. They still have their conflicts and disagreements. They have competing agendas sometimes.

And yeah, it’s a bit of a fairytale God knows I needed, but it’s a stark contrast to what we see playing out in the media.

The contrast is what got to me. Is that people really are like that. But we only get to see that as a fiction.

In the media. And social media, we are at war.

And I can’t do it. I can’t be at war.

My heart cannot take it. I cannot let the collective BS outrage into my sanctuary. I can’t let the media do it, I can’t let my friends do it. I can’t let you, lovely Reader do it.

I am allowing my heart to break, and it’s a private process. I am allowing myself to grieve when the world gets too much. I am allowing my emotions to play out. And I come through it, and then I can keep going.

So that’s where I am at with this. With anything that’s going on in The Big Wide World. Because I don’t know what’s going on in The Big Wide World. Do any of us?

Because no one is really telling the truth. The media, and social media are only telling me how fucked we are. And I think we kind of are fucked in a lot of ways.

But the kind of mass hysteria sounds more like a collective grief process, than any kind of helpful sharing or informing.

So, yes I am unhappy with the latest thing. I am worried and concerned. I am fearful. I hope that’s ok, acceptable.

I’ve paid my dues to the media monsters who demand that I think and feel a certain way.

So, what’s next?

Well what’s next, is that I’m gonna get on with my life as best I can.

I’m going to show up for myself and my loved ones. I’m going to show up by speaking my truth as authentically and honestly as I can. And I’m here for friends, or anyone who needs a friendly smile, or ear, or a bit of kindness.

That’s it. If the boogey-man-monsters want to come for me, I’m sure they will. It will never change who I am, or what I am.

I’m learning that my sensitivity to life is something I have to embrace and look after, rather than deny, shame, or bulldoze into some other thing.

And that means my heart is breaking and I’m here to hold it as it breaks. And let a new me be revealed through that process. Because that’s life. Day by day. Every day.

Every, every day. Every day.

Every day.

Thanks for reading. I’m ok. I’m not ok. But I am ok.