I’ve been having some cognitive issue this week. I feel like I’m going crazy, or already gone. It’s very disconcerting.

I’m trying to look after myself but insomnia is making this very difficult.

🤷‍♀️

I’m deeply uncomfortable with online social platforms. I don’t want to conform to anything. I just want to be me.

I just found out my support centre is temporarily shut down. I was planning on returning today after I temporarily shut down over the last couple of weeks.

I need it. I haven’t been in community for a long time.

Not sure what to do

I saw one of my favourite bands last night for a 30th anniversary gig of an album. It was so good.

My son took me and we had a great time at the back. My moshing days are long over and my anxiety has been severe this week so we took it easy but still had a great night out together.

So grateful

A fuzzy image of a lit tea light candle with a small flame burning in a hexagonal glass jar surrounded by darkness. Around the flame a faint rainbow halo.

Bath candle 🛀🕯️ 📷

I got all my chores done and got ready to go out except I’m actually ready to go for a nap now. And if I don’t go out now it will get dark soon. Hmm.

It’s super grey and flat out there. Not feeling inspired.

But let’s do it!

That’s the longest night sleep I’ve had for a while. I actually woke to my alarm, instead of hours before it.

I wish I felt refreshed though

I had a moment I realised I’m wearing clothing mostly made of various type of plastic. It freaked me out a bit.

I’ve been trying to buy more and more 100% cotton clothing in recent years but it’s an expensive exercise.

I treated myself to 100% cotton bedding last month and it’s DIVINE 😇

Some days I just want to be rescued. And looked after. I’ve been living quite a solitary life for a long time now and my kids are growing up and it’s weird not having them need me so much. And I find myself needing to be needed. And then I find myself feeling lost and empty. I would like to have a someone in my life. Like a best friend or something. Probably I don’t want a partner at all. But who knows. All I know is today I feel in limbo. It started when things didn’t work out the way I expected this morning, and I came home feeling lost. And it’s just kinda grown through the day into this. This weirdness. Maybe I’m actually lonely?

This has been a brain fart. Goodnight x

I got whammied today.

I found another Mandela Effect today. I’ve been trying to research it but no luck. It seems genuine. And a little upsetting in a weird way. Partly because I thought these had mostly stopped happening for me. Although now I think about it there was another recently.

I’m going to talk about it maybe over the weekend, but it won’t be very public, at least not for long. And I won’t be very specific with exactly what it is. Because it doesn’t matter. I just want to talk about it as an experiencer of these kinds of things.

If you want to be notified of whatever post I make about it, please follow the temporary category “meffect” which will be on this RSS feed-

/categories/meffect/feed.xml

(It will also be on the weekly Tuesday email newsletter.)

But also. I’m just trying my best to keep improving my nutritional intake, exercise, fresh air, meditation, and creativity. And being in community. I want to get away from forceful ideas of fixing myself. And learn to look after myself better whilst managing my situation with kindness and self compassion. As best I can.

I’ve been so unkind to myself over the years and followed stupid advice and the kind of spiritual bullshit that hurts people.

I’m not done with the antidepressants, just my GP wanted me to go on a new one and then get advice from my psychiatrist about side effects. I decided to wait for psychiatrist before I start a new one. I don’t want to be left hanging with something I can’t cope with.

I’m easing myself off pain killers. After easing myself off the antidepressants that gave me a ~6 weeks+ long headache. I’m starting to feel a bit clearer again and had a deep-feeling emotional outburst while out for a walk yesterday, for no apparent reason. It felt good to get that out.

Last couple of days have been intense with unexpected paperwork. I was still completing a form yesterday from last week and thankfully I got it submitted and done. Today has been a lot of catching up. I’m pooped out and my brain is fried. I need some fresh air and some quality creative time!

“You’re highly intelligent”
Thanks, but that doesn’t help anything.

Is “high functioning” actually just high masking? Asking for an imaginary friend.

I’ve been having a fairly good few days but now I’m beginning to feel properly burnt out. Spoons management is hard.

Perfection: A nice steaming hot bowl of pea and ham soup for lunch. The heating on. Music playing. Outside is a cool autumn day.

I have a lot of deliveries coming today. So it’s a day of staying in; rest and recouperation; slowly and gently getting things done; a bit of paperwork 😔.

First some Fortnite 😎🎮

Mac n cheese is healthy when you add broccoli, right?

I’m feeling more and more myself. In a couple of days I’ll stop these meds completely. The headaches are already lifting. I feel lighter and seem to have more energy. But also having very unpleasant amounts of detox symptoms.

My body clearly did not like these pills.