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I had a few days away with my parents for some r and r. I’ve been extremely stressed and it really helped. It’s so nice to spend time with them.
Today, you would have been 50.
When I came out 🏳️⚧️, you were there for me. But you moved on. Years later, I still miss you.
You were kind, funny, intelligent, a first class nerd. You were you.
I see you in my dreams sometimes and I know you’re ok. You know I am too.
One day in another life we will share another pint or three. I love you my best friend🍺
A+++++++++
One of my favourite artists contributes field recordings (singing ice) and kulning on this album. I love this band so much.
I’m English but I swear to god I have some connection with the Nordic lands. This music seems to speak to my soul directly.
My soundtrack to 2019. For some reason I associate it with the first John Wick movie. Anyway, I just fucking love this album.
Out on a sanity walk today.
It’s difficult to get a good angle on this tree. It looks great since they cleared this embankment. I want to get it while a train goes past. 📷🌳
Today thoughts
I’ve deleted feed readers, read later, and social apps from my phone. I’m taking a break for the weekend at least. ✱.
I have a doctor appointment in a few minutes. It’s gonna be a tough conversation. I’m trying to show up for myself but speaking to medical professionals is scary as hell.
I’m gonna be taking an internet break. I might post but I won’t be reading.
Feeling all sorts of stuff. Depleted. High anxiety. Endless worry. Depression. Hopeless. Shame.
I have a lot on my plate right now that needs my energy, attention and care.
I never wanted to be writing a blog as a reaction to the world. That’s what I did on Facebook and Twitter years ago. I left those platforms and that reactionary mentality behind. Or so I thought.
When I express myself I want it to be from within me. Not as a shield, or defense against a world of illusion. I want to be truthful and authentic. I don’t want to take on and repeat the truths of others. I only want to find my own truth and considerately express that.
I wasted a bunch of time last night on someone else’s drama. I got emotionally involved with something that now seems like was information presented in bad faith. Or maybe just something completely unrelated and turned into something it was never intended to be.
Whatever the truth of that is doesn’t matter to me. I have enough challenges of my own already.
I was very late to bed and I didn’t look after myself properly. It’s essential that I care deeply and make time for my own needs. So I can show up for my actual real life.
Getting into that drama at bedtime was me not looking after myself. Even just picking up my phone at that time was a seriously bad idea.
If I had not done that, the whole thing would have started, ended and disappeared whilst I was sleeping.
The world is extremely intense and it’s so easy to lose myself in it. When I am trying to find myself.
I can do better.
I had a knee-jerk reaction last night to something that seemed to be heavily implied to be about @manton . Now those posts are gone. I didn’t wait for a response from him and allowed myself to be influenced by assumptions. I just went with the herd. Because it felt safe. I’m sorry.
I guess if that is what it seems to be then there won’t be any statement. That’s the way it works now. No talking, even if it’s uncomfortable. No moving forward even if it means compromising. No healing even if it hurts along the way.
I think it was handled badly by all tbh. Even tho personally I didn’t have much of a problem with the original incident. I don’t have a problem with anyone involved. Just mainly with how overly personal it became.
There were missteps all round. Yucky yucky yucky.
Stuff to think about
Oh shit! This is a big nope for me. I might be out. Not sure. Fuck.
I’d like to hear some kind of statement about this
A post about wanting to be self-supportive, the shame of accepting disability support, labels, and jumping through hoops #HealingOutLoud
I’ve been feeling sick with worry for the last 24 hours. I signed into the benefits system yesterday morning and I realise I missed something they requested from me about 10 days ago.
So I’ve been working on this thing
I’m annoyed that online accounts send sign-in emails. Having a password is 10000% better. I was unable to sign in to something today because my email service went down. It’s so annoying how that can lock me out of completely unrelated services.
They’re switching my disability / housing support around to a new system. The last few months of this has been incredibly stressful. Endless phone calls and form filling. Today I found I will probably have to go for some kind of medical assessment again. I wanna puke forever.
I’m near the end of Supergirl tv show. It’s really mixed quality. But some seasons have been really good. I’m glad this last one is one of the good seasons. I’ll miss this show when I’m done. And I need a supergirl cape now
In my quest to find the successor to my Ricoh GR II, I have been researching and considering the Fujifilm X100 VI. Yesterday, to my surprise, I discovered another unexpected possibility in the Leica D-Lux 8. More affordable than the X100! 🤯
It’s difficult to see which could be best for me. 🤔
First game back in a few weeks 🎮 #Fortnite