QOL
Moving my personal blog and a new RSS feed URL (goodbye and thanks Micro.blog)
Hey :)
This is just a quick update on this post- RSS feed changes
I’m moving from Micro.blog to a new platform.
- I am going to be moving to a new blogging platform this weekend (for my personal blog). Maybe tonight. It just depends how things go.
- The aeryn.me domain will be moved to the new platform too.
- The new feed URL will be at https://aeryn.me/feed/.
- If you wish to continue to follow this blog in your feed reader, you will need to add it again because I am unable to add feed redirects on the new platform.
- My Micro.blog-hosted site will remain live for some more months whilst I continue migrating posts. But will eventually disappear, I expect.
- I do not intend to delete my account (I want to preserve timeline posts) but will let it lapse back to a free account.
- I will most likely not be posting to Micro.blog anymore. 🤷♀️
- I am now microblogging on Mastodon and still adding Micro.blog folks there gradually. I love that I can continue to follow, although there does feel like some distance now, which is a shame.
- I cross-post from Mastodon to Bluesky too.
Lastly, although I will potentially write about Micro.blog again in the future, I just want to say thank you to Manton, support people, and the community. Thanks for making me feel welcome and being generally a friendly, supportive, and wholesome place.
Bye and see you around
Aeryn x
Edit to add: I think I may have figured out a RSS redirect at the new place. Not sure.
RSS feed changes
Hey,
I am migrating this blog (aeryn.me) to a new platform soon. And all existing RSS feeds will break.
I have set up a feed redirect on the current platform. If you would like to continue to follow my blog, please subscribe this new URL.
The new feed URL will be: https://aeryn.me/feed/
This URL will be the Atom feed address on the new platform, and should be a valid redirect until I complete the move. But I’m not sure all RSS feed clients will happily ‘subscribe’ to a redirect, or not.
So, if you subscribe and you don’t hear anything within a couple of weeks, please check my blog again. I’ll be posting RSS/Atom feed options on the new platform once I’ve moved over.
I’ve been drifting away from social media again. Not deliberately but more in a way that I didn’t notice. I think this is a really good thing. I’m looking after myself without it having to be something I’m giving up or denying myself, no matter how healthy the intention. It’s not forced.
Not right (not right (not right now)))
The narrator struggles with a sense of unreality and seeks to regain a sense of self amidst internal chaos. —🤖
Thursday morning thoughts
I’ve been feeling a little better the last couple of days. The depression seems to be lifting.
Today
was strange. But good.
Part of my support system is going away. Sad face.
I stepped out of my comfort zone a couple of times.
I feel like my stamina is beginning to improve nicely after a recent illnesss.
I want to have more evening energy.
I want to be more healthy generally.
Things that spike anxiety- appointments that are later in the day. Basically anything not in the first half of the morning
😩
Today thoughts
I’ve deleted feed readers, read later, and social apps from my phone. I’m taking a break for the weekend at least. ✱.
I have a doctor appointment in a few minutes. It’s gonna be a tough conversation. I’m trying to show up for myself but speaking to medical professionals is scary as hell.
I’m gonna be taking an internet break. I might post but I won’t be reading.
Feeling all sorts of stuff. Depleted. High anxiety. Endless worry. Depression. Hopeless. Shame.
I have a lot on my plate right now that needs my energy, attention and care.
I never wanted to be writing a blog as a reaction to the world. That’s what I did on Facebook and Twitter years ago. I left those platforms and that reactionary mentality behind. Or so I thought.
When I express myself I want it to be from within me. Not as a shield, or defense against a world of illusion. I want to be truthful and authentic. I don’t want to take on and repeat the truths of others. I only want to find my own truth and considerately express that.
I wasted a bunch of time last night on someone else’s drama. I got emotionally involved with something that now seems like was information presented in bad faith. Or maybe just something completely unrelated and turned into something it was never intended to be.
Whatever the truth of that is doesn’t matter to me. I have enough challenges of my own already.
I was very late to bed and I didn’t look after myself properly. It’s essential that I care deeply and make time for my own needs. So I can show up for my actual real life.
Getting into that drama at bedtime was me not looking after myself. Even just picking up my phone at that time was a seriously bad idea.
If I had not done that, the whole thing would have started, ended and disappeared whilst I was sleeping.
The world is extremely intense and it’s so easy to lose myself in it. When I am trying to find myself.
I can do better.
A post about wanting to be self-supportive, the shame of accepting disability support, labels, and jumping through hoops #HealingOutLoud
I’ve been feeling sick with worry for the last 24 hours. I signed into the benefits system yesterday morning and I realise I missed something they requested from me about 10 days ago.
So I’ve been working on this thing
They’re switching my disability / housing support around to a new system. The last few months of this has been incredibly stressful. Endless phone calls and form filling. Today I found I will probably have to go for some kind of medical assessment again. I wanna puke forever.
I returned to social media late 2023 after a couple of years away, vowing never to return to the big tech giants for my publishing. It began by rebooting my blog on a different platform. And then slowly I began to embrace the social side of things.
It took a long while for me, after feeling deeply jaded and even suspicious of the internet and the general erosion of the integrity – and increasing hostility – of services I had used for many years.
I joined Bluesky too. And I think it’s a great platform. But the culture there is not for me, generally.
There is no point to this. The end.
Thoughts can end abruptly and that’s fine. It’s time for breakfast anyway.
I think I’m coming out of this bug I had. I’m calling it a cold but it felt different. And not c either. Anyway. The weirdness seems to be going away a bit now. I am starting to feel more normal physically. I’ve had a rough few days mentally. And again feeling a bit better today. 😣/😊
I think I have to recognise when it’s best for me to stay off socials. Sometimes I can spend just a few minutes reading and I start losing my shit. That’s where I am today and last few days.
I’m not shying away from the world but when I’m feeling extra sensitive I have to remind myself what’s real.
I had an incredible lucid dream last night. I haven’t had one in a while. I woke up feeling very connected and whole.
I’m so tired now. It’s 4pm and I’m back in bed. My mood is through the floor. This bug is shitty.
I’m still isolating myself from community whilst this cold lingers. Such a long tail end to it. Symptoms are not so bad now but I feel all kinds of weird.
I feel like my life is being restructured. And my ideas of what I’m supposed to do are leaving and making way for something else.
Good.
Right. I’m going to try and respond to recent replies today. I’m very grateful for them and I want to spend that time. This feels like valuable healing work that I want to show up for.
But it’s a little overwhelming. Purely in a logistical sense. I find Micro.blog is a little bit difficult with handling conversations. For me at least. I’ve never received this volume of replies or comments before, on any platform.
Anyway. I woke up this morning with an absolute splitting headache and my cold/virus feels worse again. I took some painkillers and went back to bed. It’s past 2pm now and I haven’t really got going yet.
So I’m going to get some fresh air first. And look after myself.
🕊️
It’s very uncomfortable to be trans and have the whole worldly (seemingly) debating the this and that, and the right and wrong of all these different aspects of our lives. 🌈🏳️⚧️
(Please bear with me. This has been edited and looked over a little so it’s not a stream of thoughts exactly. But neither am I going to bother with checking to see if this reads well or makes sense. See paragraph at the end.)
I often want to run away, shut my mouth, and hide forever. Never to be seen or heard from again.
When I do come out of isolation. When I do choose to speak, I wonder who might come out of the woodwork to deny, denigrate, or simply reject me.
When I’m in unfamiliar places, or with new people I have no idea who is a safe person or not.
I’m hyper vigilant and have honed that intuition. But still, sometimes I’m wrong and I find myself in sticky situations.
But what I’ve found, is safe people aren’t always safe. And safe places aren’t always safe.
Over the years I’ve experienced awful weirdness from enthusiastic allies, as well as other trans people, gay people, and loved ones.
No one is safe just because they say they are. Or because they should be.
There’s the half a dozen times over the years I could talk about where in public spaces, on the street or public transport I’ve feared for my physical safety, and once where I was basically threatened with my life. (Not including the gun incident).
I was bullied for seven years at my last address by a neighbour who began it all with transphobia. In the end, he became so clever no one could really help me. The burden of proof was placed squarely at my feet whilst I lived the trauma. I had zero spoons to deal with it.
The police told me it wasn’t a hate crime. I was offered a court case but advised I would most likely lose it and I would have to attend court and have my personal information made public. And he wouldn’t even have to attend.
Housing could not move me despite being near the highest priority.
I was banned from a well known support centre I had been attending for a few years in my town. I asked for help with another trans person who was a new service user and was openly making horrendously self-hateful jokes, and a volunteer who was making homophobic jokes.
I couldn’t face these individuals directly so I asked the support staff for help. Nothing was done about it and when I complained (badly, I was hurting and I said a few choice words) I was banned from the centre indefinitely. Rather than deal with people who were verbally hateful they banned me, who had reported and asked for help.
I attended a LGBT support social group in my town for quite a long time. I was often the only trans person there. And it was a nice group but there were a couple individuals either did not speak to me at all, or refused to get my pronouns right.
One time, a seemingly straight person wandered in out of curiosity. and was invited to sit down. They noticed I was trans and started making fun of me. None of the other members said a word to defend or support me. They just kinda let it happen.
I realised after a long time that I just didn’t feel part of the group and I stopped going.
I made lots of trans friends when I came out. Some of them were very activism focused. There was a lot of pressure to take part in those activities. One demanded I march in Pride through the city. She said it was the duty of all trans people to march. I had to explain to her that my anxiety about it was too much. But I shouldn’t have even made an excuse. It was my choice to, or not.
She made it clear I wasn’t pulling my weight.
In fact I’ve found it quite common in community to be judged as not trans enough, or too trans, or not like that!
For a time I was pulled into a kind of social justice extremism through online community. I learned a lot from them and made some real, nice friends. But at the edges of the ideologies I was exploring was a real hatred for straight people, cis people, men in general, and other related stuff. I was beginning to buy into that and becoming ever more bitter and traumatised by my own mental processing of these ideas.
In the end. My way out was by having the breakdown of a lifetime.
These are the kinds of groups and organisations that put rainbow flags on their marketing materials each summer, and have diversity policies.
But they are either unwilling or unable to actually treat LGBT people like actual people, with any dignity or respect.
Transphobia is rampant in the health care system. Individuals (doctors, nurses, pharmacy staff) are no less likely to be hateful assholes than anyone else. I’ve been threatened, dehumanised, mocked, demeaned, told I’m doing trans wrong, and gaslit at various times.
Because I’ve had so many difficulties in my life I’ve need to reach out to support or health organisations for help at various times. Almost without fail they start with trying to get me to go to trans groups, or LGBT groups. That’s not in itself wrong. But
They don’t meet me as a human that needs help. They see me as a trans person who needs to go be with other the trans people. As if segregation is the answer. As if these groups are by definition, helpful and healing experiences. When in fact they are often full of ordinary messed up people just like me. Places where shit goes down and hurt people go around hurting people.
On the other hand..
One of my biggest challenges has been dealing with my own internalised self-hate. That has been an extremely destructive force in my life and basically nearly killed me in various ways.
I was raised in a culture where racism, misogyny, homophobia, and ableism were completely normal and encouraged.
It’s impossible for children to not take some of that on. No matter how well they were parented. At school we used to make fun of people that were different. And at home we watched news stories about scandalous gay people or transsexuals. Movies and TV shows were queer people were bad, or perverted.
I took part in that even when I knew something was terribly wrong inside of me.
What a brutal start in life for a kid. For so many of us.
I’ve been working on myself for decades now. It took many years to see how all this affected me. And how I passed some of that on too, and helped perpetuate it. How I took part in that in my own way. When I knew no better.
But now I know better. Better than yesterday at least. I know to be where I am and figure my own way forward. And not crumble anymore when people demand I perform my truth in a way they want me to.
I’m learning to listen.
I’m learning that my truth might be wrong.
I’m learning that I often need to face my own bullshit. My own unkindness. My own inadequacies. My own internalised isms. My own bigotry.
Because even tho it’s mine. It didn’t originate with me. But it is mine to deal with. Until maybe one day it might be healed.
But I’m done with the cult of healing too. I know it’s possible. It’s just not really up to me. Not in the end. All I can do is show up for it.
All I can do is listen. And accommodate as best I can. Or move on. Inside and outside.
I don’t have to perpetuate anything. I don’t have to be ok with being trans. And no one else does either.
But I want to be ok to be alive. To be a human. To be allowed, accepted even. To have a life. With feelings and thoughts, and loved ones, and creativity. And stories. And I feel that for all others too.
Our identities do matter. But it’s just one part of who we are.
I’m not trans. I’m a person. Who is trans.
And gay. And queer. And disabled. And on the spectrum. And sensitive. And traumatised. And a survivor. And a parent. And an artist. And a photographer. And a Gen X. And grumpy. And intelligent. And intuitive. And ok. And not ok. And nothing. Nothing.
Thanks for reading. This is a personal blog. It’s not supposed to change hearts and minds. It’s not activism. It’s not me trying to align myself in some political or ideological camp. It’s not a response to this single post or that particular person. And I’m here for all people who can show up as a human first. I don’t honestly mind what you think as long as you can treat me as a person first and aren’t actively trying to harm others. This is just me telling stories. Inspired by recent events, yes. But true stories about things I’ve experienced and how I’ve interpreted them at the time. I’m allowing and encouraging myself to retell those truths. They might not exactly be where I am right today, or tomorrow. But I’m telling these stories because I have not talked about them for years, and hey I’m down for some catharsis, a smidge of healing if it’s available. PLEASE GOD FFS HEAL ME. And the world too. Thanks.
I’ve been very dissociative today. Very weird. I think it’s partly the tail end of this cold. But something else too. I did have a massive cry out of the blue this morning. More trauma. Heavy stuff I’ve been carrying for decades. It felt good but the relief didn’t last too long. Back in it tonight.